Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
