How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY