my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i think i have two assholes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza