just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
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Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
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Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard