i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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