Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
