Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
