stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
