she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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