I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
