My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
