I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
