I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
