I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
