Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
