i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
