shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
