I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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