I wish I could teleport
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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