Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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