My room smells like vodka and shame
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
