Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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