that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
