Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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