She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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