she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
