I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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