What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
