she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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