Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
