How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
