I wish I could teleport
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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