I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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