I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
