if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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