just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
