Apparently you make a good broom.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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