I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
there is glitter all over my balls
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