I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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