Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
