Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
