i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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