never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
