I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon