I intend to get homeless drunk
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals