so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird