Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
