Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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