I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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