if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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