Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
