i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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