My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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