We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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