I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
