Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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