Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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