I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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